This week on Ask The GameGirls we get a question that deals with something all to common in relationships: Jealousy. Our question is from AngeL (SH DarkAngeL):
I'm a 17 year old girl who happens to love playing hardcore video games (halo,gears of war) I play when I'm home but I am usually out with my friends and my boyfriend. My boyfriend knows that I like to play on XBL and although I play a lot more then him he likes to game sometimes also. He says that he trusts me but doesn't trust the guys I happen to play with. I tell him over and over I'm not planing on running off to meet any of them but the jealousy persists. You will probably tell me to spend time with him to make things better, but I see him almost everyday and he still doesn't let the video game thing go. Help?!?!?
Read on for our advice.
Too immature, IMO. He can't stop you from ever talking to another guy again just because you're his girlfriend, and he needs to realize that. It's unhealthy when someone is that controlling and manipulative (yes, it is manipulation because the fact he won't let it go says to me he thinks if he pushes you hard enough you'll break) and it is the easiest way to push you away from him. I used to date someone like that, and he sounds exactly the same (controlling, immature, needy, clingy) take it from me: tell him to shape up or get out, because life is too short to be with someone who is concerned over something as stupid and petty as who you talk to on XBL.
Angel, this can be very hard to overcome. The whole "I trust you but not the guys you are going to meet online." is a very common saying. Part of this issue has nothing to do with you. It has to do with him and him alone. Just like girls, guys can feel insecure as well. The bad thing is that if insecurity is the case, that can only be fixed by himself.
But on your end, I think having him game with you more often is the best answer. Show him that you game in a professional manner. Better yet have him come over and watch you play. Then the other people in the room won't know he is there. So if comments are made, he will see how you respond to them.
But honestly, there is a chance that he will never get over the jealousy issue. That he will always feel that way. So you need to make sure you're prepared for that as well.
Trust is the foundation of a great, strong, relationship. This boy of yours must be losing a great deal of sleep if he's getting jealous over guy gamer pals that are miles and miles away, only connected to you by a wire... Gee! I'd hate to ask how he deals with your RL guy friendships! I wont tell you to hang out with him more, since you say you see him every day. That sure wont change anything, and I'm certainly not going to tell you to stop online gaming. To do so, shows that he has power to control you.
Although jealousy from your significant other means that they like, and care enough for you to worry that they may lose you to another... There is definitely a line that can be crossed where it gets to be ridiculous. Make yourself, and your intentions clear to your boyfriend. I say it all the time, in fact, I think I've said the same thing to another reader before: Communication IS KEY! If you're not giving your bf means to be jealous (I'm going with the assumption that you aren't at all!), and are just innocently hanging out and fragging with some xbl pals; reassure him that he has no reason to worry, and that your heart lies with him, and only him.
I don't want to steer you in the wrong direction, but I really need you to have your wits about you on this one. Jealousy in an extreme form can turn into controlling issues, which can then turn into abuse, even. Don't let your guard down. You should know when, and if he crosses that line. If you cant reason with eachother, and the jealousy doesn't stop, you must ask yourself: Is it worth it? Since I don't know the severity of the situation, take my advice with this as a grain of salt. I wish you luck SH DarkAngeL.
Angel it sounds like your boyfriend has some issues he needs to deal with. I have experienced having a boyfriend who was really jealous whenever I would play with some of my friends on XBL and its mainly because most of them were guys. It already sounds like you spend a lot of time with him and you even include him in one of your favorite hobbies so I don't see why he would be jealous. I know that there are a lot of guys on XBL that tend to "hit on" girls over live or say things in a sexual manner and you have probably have become accustom to it. But your boyfriend needs to understand that he has you --these others guys don't and there is nothing for him to be jealous of. You two may need to have a little heart to heart talk and let him know how you feel. He could also feel very insecure or have low self esteem and wants to be reassured that you will be there for him but if the jealousy persists then I would suggest taking time to think is all of this worth staying with him?
This is a pretty common situation to be in, and not just with gamers. Some guys are just really jealous, but just because you are bound to date someone like this eventually doesn't mean it's okay. And I don't think that spending more time with him will solve the problem. You just need to reaffirm that you are not interested in them and that it bothers you that he doesn't seem to trust you. A lot of guys realize that the majority of guys think the same way they do, he probably thinks that they all want you. Keep letting him know that it bothers you, and if it get's worse then there could be a bigger problem. On a lighter note, next time he says something along those lines, ask him to play with you and see that there is nothing to worry about.
Angel, Jealous people will be jealous, and you will encounter this problem in many forms for the rest of your life. Whether it's friends in real life or friends over the internet. There is nothing really you can do, most definitely do not stop playing on Live b/c you are not doing anything wrong in this situation. Pretty much with jealous people you just have to say, "Hey you have to trust me and my judgment. Not trusting the guys I play with means you do not trust me while I play with them. I will continue to play online b/c that's all it is, just gaming. Either you have to learn how to deal with your jealous or we need to discuss the future of things." It doesn't sound like his jealousy is at unnecessary levels yet, more like he is just uncomfortable with it. But seriously, the whole "I trust you, not them" bit has been said over and over and it's really just bullshit. If he really trusts you then he should trust your judgment. His being uncomfortable is his own inner issue he needs to deal with, you just keep on playing.
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